Been there. Done that. Cannot wait to be on top of the world again.
And when the anger had subsided, the questions come in hordes and oh how they haunt your every steps. The ifs, the buts and everything in between. While everyone around you, including your saner part of self says “Stay away. Stay away from trouble.”, at the end of the day, the loudest noise is still the one that’s coming from your heart yearning for an acknowledgment. Or at least from the void that your heart once was nestling comfortably. Screaming so loud it’s just asking for a little nod, affirmation and perhaps a sign that it was all not in vain. That it was all not a mere fruit of another stupidity that’s gone out of control. That there’s a bigger grander plan being at play. That you’re not just being used and abused and trashed when done. That the silver lining will start showing its ugly ass soon enough.
And the self beating starts as it dawned that even you yourself says “You had it coming, girl. You’re asking for it head-on. Like a fly zooming bullet speed into a train. Splat! Don’t kid yourself that you’re not wise enough to know that this is going to happen.” Like cheap horror movies that you know exactly will repulse the very core of you. Ones that you’d know the ending right from the beginning, and hating it, but you still, after all these years of growing up, you still press that play button and watch with eyes wide open. Even some in slow motion.
Logic? What is rational when it is thrill you’re seeking? Thrill that messes your head into a pulp and stomps on your ego like none other. Ain’t we all a bit of masochist at the end of the day?
A cocktail of emotions indeed I am, a concoction of everything that you should be avoiding at the moment.
Long journey ahead indeed.