What respect I used to have for you for living your own life, being true to you, and yourself alone, and marching to your very own drumbeat, is now morphing into this miniscule of ridicule to the very unsettling fact that I have once again trusted the wrong kind of soul to ever so touch mine.
The free spirit, the kindred and the love that I see you posses, I have mistaken for true kindness and an elusive willingness to share that makes you a part of the wonderful circle of endless caring that your way of life seem to carry. The hippy life that I swore I saw swimming through your veins. An air of peace, love and everything in between. While love you do posses, you’re not quite so ready to share and you’re not ready to be a part of something bigger than yourself. Which in all reality is acceptable as we all go through our own phases in life, if not for the heart you sliced and spliced along the way.
The strong self and the glint of an elf coming from the Me-me-me-it’s-all-about-me world lurking behind the façade that you have put up have not managed to shy me away but instead lured me deeper and deeper. This open invitation to try understand another human being so different in style yet so familiar in its very core. The curious behavior that keeps challenging my very core understanding why certain things are pursued and some left untouched. The ability to live freely, according to one own free wills with a set of boundaries that somewhat tied into this idealisms unseen and untouched. A utopia that seem to be working just for you and leaving you into a lone man in an island with a slight hint of the need to be accepted. And indeed you live a happy life.
And so dawn of realization came a second too late when I’m already entrenched in a trance that was weaved ever so smoothly and gently by yours truly that the magic on its own had penetrated to the inner most guard that there is. And so I went to yet another roller coaster of ecstasy that brought me high up and down low. A ride that I have sworn not to be a part of. Ever. Again. A ride that made me built a wall as thick as a safety box guarding the Mother Mary’s virginity and as high as the pile of destruction that the United States had left alone. Yes. You are at times oh so very crude. and unapologetic. And perhaps that’s what some people need to do instead of hiding behind false pretense. But not every single freaking time.
As I broke down my own walls of comfort zone and safety. And see the world again through fresh eyes that’s been to the darkest side into the bright lights and somehow found myself curling in the darkest corner of my own head. But at the end of the day, life goes on. Your happy life fits you perfectly. And most people say “just believe in karma.” And I do. You are my karma for my own messy past. And now the slate is clean. I hope. Moving on and rolling away perhaps not into the bright light. But somewhere in between the bright and the dark, as it’s always the most curious path to be.
And for you? You… the bubbly. the pretty. the smartypants you.
I’m not sure if I really care anymore. No matter what you said, I’m sure I’m not the only roadkill you’ve created with your rolling and shoving. The path of destruction seems to be endless, but if it’s one thing… I do wish you find peace somewhere deep inside. No. not the kind you think you have right now. The real kind. The real OMFG-ness where has it been all my life kind. Meh. Maybe you do have it already. With all the drugs you’re taking every once in a while. You probably have a slight little glimpse of what true peace and happiness that you long for is like. Maybe that’s enough for you. Maybe that’s enough for a lot of us, really. Who am I to judge. Hurt a person, be nice to a person. Net is zero. Why bother.
Well what I know is that I know I can choose not to partake in this endless game of chasing highs and numbing lows
and that. Is. Abso-fucking-lutely liberating.